Dear me back

Dear me

It has been so long, that I don't know where to start. But if I could start somewhere, I would start by saying thank you for writing to me. It means that you have started to forgive me, for forgetting you. 

For not taking the time for us anymore. Because of what I thought was life. The life I thought I wanted. 

I am so ashamed to tell you that I haven't treated us very well. But don't worry, a lot has changed since we last spoke. I have made some life-changing decisions, and I think this is going to make sure that we are us again. 

All those things you asked me about? I want all of them. I want all of them so badly, that if I think about it too much, I am sure our heart will explode in our chest. 

A lot has happened in the past 4 years...maybe longer...but actually most has happened in the past 10 months or so. I am sure I will remember it for the rest of my life. So I am sorry for not writing to you sooner, but since April last year, my life has changed completely. 

Through months of therapy, and trying to understand...I realised, I was not me anymore. I was a product of someone else's wishes. I don't think I had any identity. I know that I wasn't myself. 

In finding this out, through circumstances, and through the courage of those close to me, to question where I was...I have decided that life needs to change, in order for me to come back. And also in order for me to be true to myself. 

And my true self is someone surrounded by love, truth, trust, loyalty and above all integrity. And don't forget passion, respect and the essence of life, wonder. Undying, endless wonder. 

I think I am back now, although there are some days, which are harder than others. I knew at the time that the journey to find myself again, would be hard. But I didn't know how hard it really would be. 

Have you ever woken up in the morning with your jaw so tightly clenched, that you have given yourself a headache? Or woken up feeling fine, but in the space of a few seconds, felt like you have had a bucket of cold anxiety poured down your throat? It makes your legs heavy and it crushes your heart like a hand would crush a butterfly. Carelessly and without compassion. 

You are tested every second and you have moments of blind doubt and fear. But then you also have moments of validation, pure understanding that your difficult choices have also been the right choices. 

I have calm days and I have days when it feels as though I have been blanketed in ice. Cold, chilling, nerve-bending ice. 

I have days of hatred, rejection and devastating sadness. But as I write to you, I also have many more days of knowing that the choices I have made, are THE choices which define the happiness waiting for me in my future. 

I define my path and decide where my life travels. I know now that I have more control than I ever knew. But it is a control over my life which I respect. 

I also know that I have opportunities all around me. And I am surrounded by people who believe in me. People who want to see me grow. People who want to help me grow. People that have taken chances on me. Who trust in me. People who see me for who I am. People who know what I can become. 

I am excited now, even though I still have some challenges ahead. But I know now that they will come and go, and each of them will make me stronger. 

And I am sorry for all of this, but equally, I know time heals all hurts. 

My hurts are real to me, but so are my dreams and my goals. 

And I don't know what happens next, but I do know, I can do this. I always could face challenges. I just needed to be reminded of that. 

I am back again. And this time, I am back for good. 

Because I choose it. 

I am glad I decided to write to you now. I know it was time for me to. 

With all my love

Me